04/04/20

This morning one of our fellow residents from the other end of the village 'phoned to ask if we needed any help with shopping etc. (we didn't, having just had a Sainsbury delivery). Not for the first time, I had trouble answering the "How are you doing?" question in a way that makes sense. I have an incurable cancer which is eventually going to kill me if nothing else gets in first. Therefore I should feel thoroughly ill, be in constant pain, etc. etc.. But I feel perfectly well - people tell me I look well. I need walking aids for more than short distances on level ground and my stamina is worse than it was (my red cell count is still below normal - but that's a result of the treatment as much as the disease). "In myself", as they say, I don't feel there's anything wrong apart from getting tired more easily. My immune system is below par, but my liver and kidney functions are all fine. It's hard to get all that across in a couple of minutes to somebody who probably knows next to nothing about myeloma - and that's all I knew a year ago. It'll get worse, of course, as this experience continues - probably very much worse - and I keep saying to people "Of course I'm only in the early stages of this so far."

It's difficult to express how I feel about this and I don't think I've got it right, but I'll let it stand for now.